Jekyll2026-03-16T15:41:24+00:00https://bcowa98054.github.io/BenBlog01/feed.xmlMy first attempt at a blog2026-03-16T00:00:00+00:002026-03-16T00:00:00+00:00https://bcowa98054.github.io/BenBlog01/2026/03/16/Moving_Backwards_ForwardI am at the airport. Next to my parents. I feel so terrible and guilty for my dependency on them. I don’t know how to put them at ease. I can’t rectify anything positive in myself and feel like a failed experiment that should be discarded but also realize this a maladaptive approach to any chance at solving my situation. I can’t remember the last time I felt at all positive about my future. As we were coming back from the beach I sat in the back a buggy staring outward to the receding beaches and roads as we were taken back to the hotel. It was striking how much this felt like my everyday mental life. It all feels like I am pushed away from a continually receding from view on a vehicle I am too afraid to abandon. It is a constant grief of trails abandoned through time and inaction. A constant reflection of my indecision and fear of failure. I have no obvious recourse of escape that I feel confident will serve me better than this seat I have taken, its regressive view it provides and its ceaseless movement forward; I am too afraid to jump the buggy and fall flat on the road, motionless. Somehow, I have held out the current circumstance of my fear towards the future, hate of the present, and regret of my past as a somehow better alternative than failure of this situation all together. It hurts to be in my head all the time about these things. Wherever I look and think, I find failure and disappointment. The future terrifies me and I can’t seem to find any foothold for any projective existence of happiness. The unfortunate thing is this is all in the realm of appearances. I have not confronted anything but what the impressions of myself leave me with rather than any substantial or determinate understanding of myself that will lead to growth. “The wounds of Spirit heal and leave no wounds behind” is a quote from Hegel I think about a lot now.
Everything I do is a form of escape of confronting an uncomfortable inner truth. No one has been able to give me a firm answer on the content of my inner truth. I keep asking and I get nothing back but more worry, probably because they can’t answer it for me at all. All forms of introspection immediately transmute into negativity. This is part of the inner truth. Something is always missing in me that allows it to rationalize itself as my main way of mediating my own understanding. One of the interesting experiences I had before vacation was confronting my mother/my mother confronting me about my obvious depression and anxiety towards becoming a doctor. I really don’t want to be one at this time and even when I say at this time, I am enunciating it almost as a ritualistic prayer something will emerge to prove me otherwise. She told me I shouldn’t go after I explained to her I dislike patientcare and regret not going into research. She is probably right. As soon as she gave me permission to abandon this path, I felt myself pulled back into it through a combination of guilt and uncertainty of where else to turn. My life became mine for a moment and I was terrified. I have no other real skills or loves that prove a ready route to alternative success. Its all just a void of fear. It’s rather full of lack. I instinctively just told her to forget it all and disregard anything I said. I was too afraid to provide an alternative account of what I could do or want to do with myself despite every day thinking about the concept of computational research (which I hated at the time and felt lost in. At the very least though it felt like something I could eventually find some redemption doing with myself. Maybe I’d turn around in my confidence and sense of capacity if I just gave it another shot. Maybe I could learn to love it and find myself finally enjoying the process of something I was involved in creating. I have missed the idea of engaging this pursuit so deeply in my actual life). The concept of spending the next four years memorizing and learning how to patch people up just doesn’t excite me anymore and I am extremely frustrated with the fact this has come to be my gauge of the profession. I simply find it all so boring. At least in research I felt like I was drowning in something fascinating rather than mundane. This has a been a concern of mine that has existed for some time now and while my parents may think this is all sudden and out of nowhere, the reality is, my sense of my situation and what I have learned about myself and what I dislike in medicine has been a progressive movement over the course of the last 2 years. I only have about 30 days left to decide my future or defer decision to a later time. I have no real alternatives. I want to kill the part of me that doesn’t want to be me. However that part seems to be all I consciously am. Therefore I want to kill myself and I don’t know how to go about that desire productively. How do I fix any of this. Why have I been given no positive clarity in who I am. The only thing I can seem to fix myself to is returning to something I gave up. God knows I have tried to apply myself into different things but I keep coming up empty, ready to leave, and receeding into view.

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2026-03-11T00:00:00+00:002026-03-11T00:00:00+00:00https://bcowa98054.github.io/BenBlog01/2026/03/11/Blog_IntroMy back has once again thrown itself out somehow. I haven’t done anything in recent memory to exacerbate it but nonetheless it seems I’m stuck for the time being with this pain. Anyways, its the perfect excuse to sit down and start a blog. Hello. I’m Ben. Welcome to my page. I hope to write my musings on my current reads and feels here. I intend to start with my current project of fighting through Hegel’s Phenomenology of Spirit (PoS) which has completely absorbed my life. Everytime I come to this book, I come out with a less-than adequate sense of what I have just read. Maybe that’s part of what Hegel’s whole project entails for consciousness coming to know its own self and limitations. For me however, learning how to reach and push forward from footholds in my understanding of Hegel’s development of consciousness understanding itself would be nice. As my first non-introductory blog post I hope to write on my understanding of the PoS introduction and follow this with an exploration of the chapter on Force and Understanding. Thanks for visiting again.

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2026-03-11T00:00:00+00:002026-03-11T00:00:00+00:00https://bcowa98054.github.io/BenBlog01/2026/03/11/Sublation_NotesOkay. So we all have heard of this term right? No? Okay so lets definitely work this out first.

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